How to Turn a Girl into a Gamer (version 1001smile)

I once translated an article by a foreign author about how to turn a girlfriend into a gamer. And the further I translated, the stranger the methods described in it seemed to me. So I decided to write down my own thoughts on this topic. Before I forget.

Before trying to make your girlfriend a gamer, sit down and think: do you really need it? While she is playing, time passes that she could spend to fix her hair, put on makeup, do a manicure, go to the gym, buy a new set of lingerie... or finally get some sleep.

You can afford to be a little prettier than a monkey. But she has to do all this to meet modern beauty standards. And games... they distract from that.

Also, while she is playing, she is not cleaning, cooking, or earning money.

So, did I not convince you? Well, if that's the case, then keep reading.

The biggest mistake that many gamers make is trying to teach their girlfriend to play the same games they play.

Take, for example, shooters. Well, we don’t really like shooters. There are exceptions, but they only prove the rule. Our moms didn’t teach us to compete with each other or measure who is cooler. While you were playing war games, our moms told us that nice girls make friends, not war. They create, not destroy. And thank goodness they told us this. That’s why we differ from you. That’s why we are soft, kind, and feminine. Do you want your girlfriend to stop being that way? Well, good luck with that. Just remember, you’ll have to live with her later.

By the way, do you know why women are rarely hired as air traffic controllers? Because when applying for the job, they are given spatial reasoning tests, which women tend to fail. Our brains are structured such that spatial reasoning was never our strong suit. We have other talents, but that's not the point now. So for us, playing shooters is significantly harder than for you. While we figure out where we are on the map and how to get to the right place, we don’t have fun.

And if you think about it, you don’t even need her to play with you. A gamer isn’t someone who plays your favorite games. A gamer is someone who understands how interesting and important games are, can engage in a conversation about them, and bring you sandwiches while you're in a raid.

Tell her that games are not just time killers, but quite decent activities. In Korea, everyone relaxes like this after work. And what’s better than drinking beer at a bar?

What, you’re not in Korea? Then it’ll be harder for you. Come on, think about what beneficial things games have given you? What-what? Can't think of anything? Then you really shouldn't be playing; go find something to do.

But if we ask a successful and well-rounded gamer what games have given them, they can easily roll out a list of two megabytes with pictures. Meeting new people with fresh perspectives, learning foreign languages, organizing clan meetings and boss raids with 40 people, working in the fascinating field of game development, or in equally captivating game journalism...

I’ll tell you even more: everything that is interesting to your girlfriend has already been implemented in computer games. You just need to know the games. I realized this back when an interesting man showed me the old game Loom. Its "feature" is that the spells in this game are a set of musical notes. To learn a spell, you need to recognize the notes by ear. To cast the spell, you must play the melody on the keyboard. Isn’t that game a treasure for a girl who’s into music? And there’s an interesting storyline too.

In reality, there are plenty of games where you can have fun that way. Take Lord of the Rings Online, for instance—you can create a bard and play music on the keyboard just for enjoyment.

Is your girlfriend interested in psychology? Then show her The Asylum. It’s a game about treating mental disorders in stuffed animals. The average girl can cure all the patients in just a few hours.

And dance mats… what a genius invention! By the way, you can connect two of them to a computer and dance together, but watch out—neighbors might complain.

Okay, let’s assume you’ve passed that stage and want your girlfriend to play normal games. So here’s the deal. As a girl, I tell you: a normal game is one where you play a pretty character. It should have more than three little polygons, straight legs, and the eyes should be straight too. You know why I play as a male elf in World of Warcraft? Because they're the most beautiful! Female elves can’t compare.

And the wardrobe... the wardrobe! I personally made my elf go to the end of the world just to complete a quest for a blue outfit! He looks fantastic in it. It goes well with the hair color. So don’t argue with your girlfriend; just help her generate someone cute and take her to a store with beautiful clothes.

What, can’t generate anyone cute? Then forget it and give her some JRPG; they’ve all been drawn as they should be.

And plenty more compliments in her direction. No matter how you slice it, at first, as she plays these games, she’s doing you a favor. It’s later on that she’ll get into it. So react accordingly. This is a very powerful "hook" that girls easily latch onto. After all, we love to be admired.

And also—if you really want her to play with you—be cool. It should be fun and interesting to be with you. I understand, of course, that you may be an anti-social person. Don’t argue with me; gamers are all like that. But stuff your anti-social attitude, you know where, make jokes, smile, and don’t bang your head against the wall when you get killed by enemies for the 25th time. It’s better to bring some pre-made ice cream, and when you’re done, you try again.

...this is 1001smile, a specialist in computer games and men. And remember: if you’ve managed to get your girlfriend into games, you absolutely must bring her into the Girls only clan. We are not writing these guides for nothing...