A Tale of How Hulk Hogan Dived into the Main Quest
Part I, potentially the last one.
Greetings to all gamers. Today I decided to write a walkthrough for TES V, but it won't be quite ordinary. What are the peculiarities, you ask? Here they are:
Ignoring the main quest.
Ignoring quests at the beginning altogether.
Starring - Hulk Hogan.
HULK HOGAN!
If you think this Hulk doesn’t resemble his real prototype - consider the transfer between worlds, the snow, the dragons, and customization not on the level of [The Sims 3](/games?search=The Sims 3). And of course, the lack of yellow bandanas and tight pants in the world of Skyrim. Also, a lack of hand-to-hand combat in its usual understanding. And folding chairs. Nevertheless, Hulk found solutions to all these problems, so let’s get started, Hulkmaniacs!
Video teaser
Our hero wakes up in some cart with an I-don’t-give-a-shit guy on the left, a complainer right in front, and a dude in wolf skin to the right who is chewing on cloth. The latter will clearly show up again in that storyline I’m skipping. Oh well! What could they possibly have arrested THE Hulk for? Based on the history of wrestler run-ins, I assume he was leading a horse while drunk or caught by the Imperials with such a dose of steroids that any local dragon could be turned into Godzilla. Regardless, the fact remains - Hogan is in a cart with some lowlifes and lawless thugs, and that fact is disheartening.
After a brief conversation about some unnecessary things that Hulk wasn’t paying attention to (they were talking about some Stormcloak nonsense, boring basically), Hogan was about ready to rip off his pathetic handcuffs, throw the driver into the nearest ditch, and take the cart for himself, but at that moment, the city gates appeared. Reasonably figuring that getting off in the city would be much more fun than riding a stranger's cart through the tundra alone, Hulk calmed down and waited.
Unnamed soldier, who would really suit saying "What a sleepyhead you are, yesterday's storm didn’t wake you up!"
Soon he was invited to get off the cart, after which the Imperial dared to ask, "Who are you?". Hulk couldn't stand such stupidity and ignorance, and ripping off his shackles, prepared to start beating up the entire garrison of the city, but the Imperials were saved by a flying dragon. It was a smart creature and didn't dare to engage in close combat with our hero, preferring to rain fire from above. Well, Hulk will surely meet that cowardly reptile again, but for now, some guy named Hadvar by the entrance to the fort was waving his hand invitingly and inviting him to enter. Considering it was better to stay inside than to fight an unbalanced dragon, the hero followed the man.
That bear, that Hadvar. The bear on the left.
Like a train of pain, Hulk ran through the rooms and corridors of the fort, beating Stormcloaks with his bare hands, giving slams and chokes left and right. The chairs in the rooms turned out to be unfit for combat, so Hogan grabbed a similar weapon - a two-handed iron hammer. Soon a bear appeared in the distance, which Hadvar cowardly suggested to "sneak by." Hulk chuckled, pulled out the two-handed hammer, and with a leap smashed the bear to dust, after which he ripped off its claws and immediately ate them.
Yes, right there
Soon Hogan found himself above ground. Hadvar advised going to the nearest village to some relative of his (Riiiight...), after which he took his leave and scampered off on his boring errands. Looking around, Hogan noticed three strange stones by the river below. It turned out the stones provided a nice bonus to one of three development branches: warrior, magical, or thief.
And who on earth thought it would be a good idea to leave powerful magical stones by some river?
Hulk touched the Warrior stone and pushed the other two into the river. Girls and cowards Vagabonds and thieves have multiplied too much already; they don’t need to play heroes. Right then he met some huntress selling everything she had hunted for crazy money. Spitting, Hulk in a fit of rage caught a salmon with his bare hands and ate it immediately. Finally, he made his way to the building he'd seen earlier, along the way smashing several wolves and bandits WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
The building turned out to be the entrance to an ancient Nord tomb called Bleak Falls Barrow. Near the entrance, several bandits awaited Hulk, and roughly five seconds after their encounter, they were already approaching the foothills of the mountain. Wiping the hammer on the snow, Hulk kicked down the stone door and stepped inside. Some bandits were chatting by the fire about a "golden claw," but Hogan's fists and hammer weren’t interested in listening. He went deeper and deeper into the dungeon until he stumbled upon a bandit in a strange little room with a lever.
During the battle, by the way, the column was gone
Ffshh The bandit’s mistake should have suggested that something was off here and it was worth, for example, to move the plates with the images of animals according to the clue, but our hero ignored this and yanked the lever instead. Dozens of arrows flew at Hulk and were blocked by a shield of pure Epicness. Kicking down the grate, he moved on. Soon Hogan heard a cry for help, and before his eyes appeared a stuck Dunmer in webs. But there was a small detail complicating the rescue - a giant poisonous spider. Ripping his leather armor apart, Hulk charged into battle to save the poor unfortunate. From the start, the spider had an advantage in this match, so, just like in matches of "one against three," Hogan decided to use a steel chair an iron hammer. Let’s listen to a professional commentator:
Hogan in front of the ring entrance
- Ladies and gentlemen, today right before our eyes, we will witness the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! Hulk Hogan, seven-time Tamriel heavy weight champion, and best wrestler of 2011 according to the Fighters Guild will fight a GIGANTIC SPIDER, three-time champion in spider fights in Bleak Falls Barrrrrrow! So, the gong sounds! The spider immediately grapples with Hulk, they exchange devastating blows! Hogan retreats, he needs to regain his strength... But what is this?! He’s drinking some kind of potions! Where's the referee looking? This is against the rules! He’s doping right in the ring! But what is happening?! THE SPIDER SPAT ON HIM! Hulk is poisoned! Both fighters are breaking the rules, stop this madness! Hogan pulls out the hammer, he is ready to do anything for victory! One, two, three hits! But the spider doesn’t even flinch, it bites back with insane fury in all eight eyes! Oh no, what's this?! HOGAN HAS FALLEN! HOGAN! HAS FALLEN! The spider just needs to hold him down! One, two... HE BROKE FREE! Hogan managed to stand up! This man is invulnerable! But again several bites, he falls again! AND HE GETS BACK UP AGAIN, BAH GAWD! He is like he’s reloading, saving at the start of the battle! Hulkster is unstoppable! And here he delivers a crushing blow from above! And again! And again! OH GODS, STOP THIS BEATING! HE IS SMASHING THE SPIDER'S CHITINOUS ARMOR! The spider is defeated! Hogan runs, gets stuck in the web, curses, pushes off the walls twice, and delivers an ATOMIC LEG DROP! Hulk has pinned him! One! Two! Three! VICTORY! Let’s welcome the NEW champion of spider fights in Bleak Falls Barrow! Hulk leaves with the new belt!
An absolutely ordinary narrow corridor with the most ordinary swinging axes
Any other person would have just shot the spider from a bow while standing in the doorway, but Hulk, as we see, is not like that. The Dunmer predictably threw our hero. By the time Hulk caught up with him, he had already been beaten by insane zombie-viking-cannibals (I wish I were joking). Right there on the floor was a button, stepping on it, Hulk caught a spiked wall to the face. His face was unharmed, unlike the Vikings coming behind. Soon, the golden claw from the Dunmer's body came in handy. It had symbols inscribed on it that needed to be repeated on the rings on the door if anyone wanted to open it, as it was intended by the developers. Hulk opened it by throwing the body of the enemy. In the end, after many Vikings were killed again (some were casting ice spells, in response Hulk was casting the hammer to their heads), Hulk reached the final arena. His instincts told him that the main fight of the evening was approaching - the battle with someone very dead and very evil. Hulk's opponent was a lord of zombie-viking-cannibals, and in his hands, he held an ice axe.
Arena, to the left is the sarcophagus with that lord
Hogan didn’t find any new armor, so there was nothing to rip off, so he just pointed at the lord: "Let me tell ya somethin' brother! The dead should stay DEEEEEEEEEAD! Hulkster bringin' ya down, brother!". At the foot of the arena, his cannibal-zombie-viking supporters had gathered, they were hooting and cursing Hulk in ancient Nord. The lord was sturdy, but extremely slow and somewhat stupid, so by running in circles and jumping on the heights, any other hero would have easily killed him from afar, almost without a scratch. But, as we remember, Hulk is a real man and champion, so he grappled with the axe-wielding lord in close combat. A dozen hits with the chair-hammer, a leg drop from the upper steps, and the champion among zombie-viking-cannibals was defeated! As a reward, Hulk was given a dragon shout that he couldn't even use since he would need to kill a dragon for that, and they, as we know, are cowards who fly and are overall imbalanced. The body of the disgraced enemy was stripped of the ice axe, which shimmered nicely. Nearby in the chest lay a decent artifact, leather boots of strength (of which there was NOOOOOOOOOOOO), which Hulk immediately put on.
Magnificent view, on the right we see that very axe
Outside the dungeon, a magnificent view opened up before Hulk, the northern lights were shimmering in the sky. Admiring it, Hogan jumped down and dove straight to the foot. Dusting himself off, the hero ran to the nearest village, on the way devouring berries and nameless mushrooms. In the village, he accidentally kicked a chicken, after which the entire town wanted him dead... Coming to, Hulk saw that he was lying on the road next to the half-eaten mushroom and realized this was all just a dream. Nevertheless, upon arriving in the village, he began to circle around the chicken for a kilometer. Behind a certain fence stood a cow, resembling a yak, with which Hulk immediately decided to wrestle, still under the influence of the berries.
He brought it on himself!
After the first blow, all the residents went berserk, screaming and running away from the great wrestler, while the cow, taking a low start, smashed through the fence and fled somewhere in the direction of Morrowind. Hulk understood that eventually, the townsfolk would calm down, regroup, grab pitchforks, and beat him down for hitting a cow. Naturally, he could have beaten up the entire village and smashed everything that could be smashed, including logs, but that would severely damage his popularity.
Potions brewed for 30 years in strict isolation
Therefore, shouting "BROTHERS!", Hogan calmed the entire village down in an instant. For some reason inexplicable, he could only do this once a day. Then Hulk took a note from the innkeeper, which said that whoever killed the leader of the bandits in some unimaginable distance would be given a note. According to an old Skyrim superstition, if there are unbeaten bandits around, Hulk Hogan will soon appear there. Brewing steroids from various mushrooms and dog meat right away, the champion set off on his way.
Hulk enjoys the beautiful fluffy snow
On the road, he encountered several interesting people beings. First and foremost, M'aiq the Liar. I will only say that he told Hulk the truth. The whole truth. Leaving the khajiit to collect teeth, Hogan moved on. Ahead loomed some strange stones and the bones of mammoths. Approaching closer, Hulk saw a giant happily stomping around, making some inviting sounds, and poking a club into the ground. Reasonably assuming he wanted to talk, Hulk stepped closer. In the next moment, the champion’s body broke the sound barrier and soared into the stratosphere.
Far below, one can see the second tier
While in the air, Hogan contemplated the situation and decided to bypass the rowdy giant upon landing. To the side stood bags of mammoth cheese (???), which Hulk successfully devoured. On his way to the bandits, Hogan saw a giant wandering alongside a tattooed yak (cow?), but the origin of the tattoos remained a mystery. But here Hulk reached the bandit hideout.
In the screenshot are 2 people, just a bandit below and not breathing
After a brief battle, which was better called a slaughter, there were fewer bandits around and more nameless graves. And where did they even get magic? Searching in an abandoned temple (if it was a temple), Hulk found a forge, and in it a special Lunar weapon. Unfortunately, there were no Lunar chairs hammers there, which disappointed him considerably. Looking around the bandit camp, particularly the cellar and the abandoned tower on the right (which can be accessed via the wall), our hero found a bit more Lunar weaponry and several elixirs.
There are still unbeaten bandits up top. They are hiding and hoping Hulk will leave
However, instead of returning for the reward, Hulk decided to check out the nearest interesting place, which happened to be another hideout of bandits. In the very depths of it, the leader and a cunning orc awaited him, who immediately pulled out an ice staff from a chest. Throwing his hammer into the shrewd green face, Hulk found himself 1 on 1 with the leader, who was swinging a sword like a madman. Having gotten sufficiently pumped with pre-prepared steroids, Hogan lifted him and hurled him into the wall with such force that the cave began to collapse. Quickly snatching the treasure map from the bloodstain on the wall, Hulk grabbed the staff, searched the chest, and bolted outside.
The mill is suspiciously well drawn
Just nearby was the grave of some other cannibal-viking-zombie-mage. While he dramatically got up, Hulk managed to bludgeon him with the hammer into a bloody mush. Two skeletons nearby fell apart simply from the champion's piercing gaze. Next to one of the sarcophagi lay a steel helmet, which turned out to have an entire system of magnifying lenses built-in, allowing Hulk to shoot like Robin Hood. But a bow is the choice of orcs, elves, and women, so Hogan stowed it away.
Mushrooms. Logs. Corpse.
On the horizon, a fort was visible, and towards it the champion headed. A saber-toothed cat had attacked a deer nearby, and Hulk would have passed by, but the cat turned out to be a stupid animal, preferring the heavyweight champion with a hammer in hand over a defenseless deer. Continuing on his way, Hulk resumed in a new shirt made of fur. Nearby under a rock, Hogan discovered the camp of an unlucky hunter, who presumably thought it a good idea to set up an unprotected camp with piles of bloody carcasses and skins in the hunting grounds of SABER-TOOTHED, MOTHER OF GOD, LIONS. Gathering skins and eating raw meat, Hulk crashed down to sleep. He dreamed that he was levitating and stabbing a dragon with a spear, after which he flew on it. A nightmare.
If anyone is interested in all this nonsense, then in the next episode: Hulk in the sewers, Hulk dueling with a bard on lutes, Hulk meets a necromancer, Hulk is bitten by a vampire, and much more (actually, no, but we need to create intrigue).
And also a big thank you to fr4ntic for proofreading