Garbage Wars. Episode 2. Full Bucket!

In general, I am quite the enthusiast for trashy games. So much so that you could almost say I prefer to mess around with something like that rather than eat. Sometimes, though, such projects turn out to be genius, but few would probably agree with me — the authors of these masterpieces must have been smoking a lot, and I had to tune myself into the right wavelength for a long time before I could appreciate their genius.

This is the very screenshot that attracted me. You can sense the confrontation of two poles, right?

Seeing screenshots of Rogue Warrior somewhere, I can't even remember where, I immediately thought that we were made for each other. From one picture, a little guy in a fur hat with a sickle and hammer in his forehead grinned at me with a deathly grimace while our main character, voiced by Mickey Rourke, poked him in the back with a knife. Well, doesn't that seem like a fateful encounter? That’s what I think, so without hesitation, I started playing right away. Here’s what it cost me.

So, our hero's name is Richard Marcinko. The annotation states that this name solidly entered history, but apparently, Google hasn’t reprinted this history, as all mentions of this person are in that same annotation, but on various warez sites and other less-than-reputable resources. A more thoughtful search indicates that such a person did exist here, but for some reason, it’s hard to trust the source. Moreover, it doesn’t tell about the character himself. It’s extremely amusing that the game is almost the only mention of him. To me, that’s quite sad.

However, we can confidently say that the game is harsh, for tough men. Right at the start, during the difficulty selection phase, we are greeted with comments on the options themselves. If we take that hit, then… further on, whether relevant or not, we’ll hear how the main character and his superiors use the confusing word "fuck" in various variations. It’s all quite amusing at times. For example, our first mission is in Korea. There, you see, the rockets are unfriendly — we have to deal with them. Our hero jumps into a crowd of Koreans with a machine gun, we press the left mouse button, and a trigger sets off; the hero loudly and clearly announces who his enemies are, where he’s going, and how he’s gonna deal with their moms, then repeats about who they are, what kind of man he is, and who their mom is. To me, it seems there’s a curse word tied to every action. We throw a grenade, and on top of that, we hear: "A party's about to start [your mom's here]". We stab with a knife: "So, did you enjoy it, [various versions of the word fuck]?" The boss calls: "You, [various versions of the word fuck], stop the mission!", and we reply: "Well, [various versions of the word fuck], [the same fuck again], I’m still going."

Boom-boom! Here you can kind of see a typical action.

Tasteless and not fun. Mickey Rourke is a great actor, of course, but I didn’t expect such rubbish from him. It immediately brings to mind an episode of South Park where they first said "sh*t" on TV. Once — funny, everyone in hysterics. Many times — comes the devil and starts punishing you with a red-hot poker in the backside. I hope he’s already come to Rebellion.

Okay, moving on. Forget about the swearing — it’s just a part of life, sometimes. Our main character is tough also because he starts each new mission with a specific set of weapons. For example, I finished the episode with a machine gun, got into a trophy truck, and the next segment began with the very first pistol and some MP5. But I had entered the vehicle with an AK-74 and a Pecheneg. Apparently, the bag men made an effort… but since I tossed my gear, where did I get the new one? The answer is simple — the main hero is a real man. Unlike some others…

At maximum difficulty, you're encouraged to use cover. Running and shooting won't work. You’ll slip on blood all the time.

The game also offers stealth action. For this, the pistol has a silencer, but unfortunately, the bullets are defective. One time, I decided to sneak up on the enemy silently — ninja style. So, quietly, stomping like an elephant, I approached the soldiers closely, and then shot them in the back of the head at point-blank range. My commando tactics flopped on the second soldier who was just a mechanic, but had bulletproof hair. No one heard my heroic shot, but they all heard the indignant scream of the offended. A crowd gathered, a siren went off, and I had to take them out like I usually do, but in the next room, they didn’t know about me anymore, and I learned to fire two rounds to be sure.

This is just a loading screenshot. I put it here because the rest is simply terrible.

If you don’t like to do everything quietly and prefer to chop and smash, then there’s plenty of room here. There are numerous types of weapons that all make equally unnatural sounds, crackle, and grunt. The guns in the game are just awful, especially after **Modern Warfare 2**, which is also accused, but at least they sound — you want to shoot them; it doesn’t matter how natural or realistic they are, the desire is there! (However, there are people who have no desires whatsoever. We suggest you give up this grueling and tiresome business — gaming, and go rob caravans instead). I’d like to finish on the shooting — it’s very sad and doesn’t bring any joy. The enemies run under the control of a great puppeteer in the heavens, and all pathways for us are pre-determined, detours and forks are boarded up. In those places where something might happen, there’s usually nothing but weapons. Because that’s all we need — health is infinite, and in the tradition of the genre, the screen supposedly turns red. "Supposedly" because it doesn’t turn red, it becomes black and white. The more it resembles an old photograph — the closer the end. The dead main character doesn't discern colors at all, confusing what is good and what is bad.

This is simply a dark level.

Finally, I want to say a few words about the graphics, which are only notable for the fact that the image blurs as soon as you turn the mouse in any direction other than straight. It coldly reminds me of **Crysis**, which also had this issue. I must say, it gives a sense of technology, but what it lacks are the pathetic weapon models, dark levels wherever possible, minimal details, and complete blandness of the environment. Even the barrels that explode are specifically marked. It seems to me they stand out somehow so we don’t miss them against the horrifically dull backdrops. But honestly, what difference does it make since we won’t see any of this behind the fantastically inconspicuous shooting sprites. Boom-boom-boom!

This is another dark level, just looks almost the same as that first dark level.

In fact, I am writing this post with my left foot because I broke one arm while playing due to the controls, and I'm squeezing my mouth shut with the other to avoid laughing — it’s already morning, everyone’s awake, but I think for such laughter I will be taken by the staff of the mental hospital, which, though far off, will still hear me. The thing is, I stumbled upon a box that had "Pоставкы" written on it. I couldn’t take a shot straight in Rogue Warrior — it’s dark, and it was already too lazy to look for a new one. So I borrowed the picture from somewhere on the vast Internet, here it is (click on the picture, you can’t see it in the reduced version):

**Modern Warfare 2** and its fluffy "All out", the ambulance with blue numbers, Bourne with the passport that says he’s LSHNTIFU MSHF, Arnie and "We are no one of the same nature", the hot-dog stand with a sausage in my town… they’re all nervously smoking in prohibited places. For some reason, "Поставкы" just tore me up, which I’m eager to share with you.

Oh, and since we’re on the subject of a broken arm… In general, it’s all because the hero throws grenades with the right button and aims with the spacebar. Both of them, in principle, are completely useless for us — we can shoot from the hip better than snipers, but I did manage to break my arm in advance, which I lament.

And yes, there’s not a word about the online game because I was too scared to go there. Which I wish for you too.

With fire in my eyes and faith in my heart, I prepared this material for you, which I hope will save you from buying trash. Wars are ongoing, a new series is soon. Love you all. Don’t forget to add me to your feed.

This is a spoiler with a brief version of the article. Just to be sure, I wrote the title on it stating that it contains the brief version. You can’t miss it:

THIS IS NOT ICAP: