Is there a... plot in Team Fortress 2?

It is no secret that Valve loves to create hidden pages for their updates. This was the case with the soldier's medals, and it recently happened with the Halloween cylinder for Heavy. However, the free hat is far from everything the creators wanted to convey to us. While browsing the Steam forum, I stumbled upon a couple of quite interesting links, here they are:

-http://www.teamfortress.com/pumpkinpatch/the\_last\_will\_and\_testament\_of\_Zepheniah\_Mann/;

-http://www.teamfortress.com/pumpkinpatch/family\_portrait/;

As can be seen from the addresses, these are the very hidden pages that can be accessed through a chain of rather clever links:


So, let's start with the first one. Here we see a will written by a certain Zephaniah Mann - a man with quite a convoluted name and handwriting, so, to avoid straining too much, here is the same text in a more familiar form:

I, Zephaniah Mann, being of sound mind, do hereby vow to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist, until such time as I have quenched my all-consuming thirst for vengeance against the world, and especially against my dunderhead sons.

If it takes a brave man to admit he is in error, then surely a man willing to admit both of his sons are stumble-bum muttonheads is twice as brave. It was they who convinced me to spend the entirety of my sizable fortune purchasing land in the unclaimed frontier of the Americas, in the hope of expanding our weapons concern to the uncolonized westernmost regions. Many tales did they whisper in my too credulous ears, of gravel as far as the eye can see, for any man with a strong back and iron spirit to harness. Long did I dream of transforming these virgin lands, and its vast holes, into the world's most majestic and profitable pits of gravel. But when at last we arrived, we only found "fool's gravel" -- my nitwit sons had purchased a continent-sized parcel of sand! It is here in this wind-swept desert hell that I fear I shall breathe my last.

Since moving from my Cambridgeshire estate to the untamed frontier, I have contracted putrid fever, bilious fever, blackwater fever, green fever, spotted fever -- even womb fever, as a complication from a serious bout of superfluous uterus. On our sailing trip to the New World, I contracted the white plague, marasmus, sweating sickness, deplumatious tumors of the eyelids, pleurisy membranous croup, and scarlet rash; during the drive west, I contracted brain itch, stomatitis, and blood poisoning; since settling our estate I have contracted falling sickness, walking sickness, stationary sickness, shingles, a jaundiced spine, and skull bloat. I contracted scirvener's palsy in the writing of this last will & testament. Possessing no paper in this godforsaken frontier, I have penned this on my own skin, which has sloughed off in quantity since contracting impetigo.

To the foul-smelling, uneducated simpletons of the untamed Americas, I leave only this curse -- as weapons have caused my downfall, so will it engineer the downfall of any soul who puts one to use near my restless grave. Shoot over my bones, and I shall visit upon you a haunting the likes of which you have never seen.

To my dearest maidservant Elizabeth, I leave the rest and residue of my estate -- including all deeds, accounts, debts public and private -- my tobacco plantation -- and what remains of the fortune my addle-pated sons have squandered. Find the gravel that I was unable to find! Honor me by placing it inside a pit!

To my faithful aide and tracker, Barmabas Hale of the savage Australias, I divest complete control of the Mann & Sons Munitions Concern. You procured the poppy flowers required for the medicines that gave me succor from the pains of my many warring ailments. It has been pleasant to not shriek myself to sleep.

To my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all -- partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing, and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feed.

Lastly, to [obscured text due to sand], I leave the entirety of my [obscured text due to sand] and swear you to utmost secrecy in its keeping.

God and His angels will have to drag me screaming to Heaven. I do not want to die! Damn you all to hell!

Zephaniah Mann

And thus, his (self-made - do not kick) translation:

I, Zephaniah Mann, being of sound mind, do hereby vow to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist, until such time as I have quenched my terrifying thirst for vengeance against this world, and especially against my dimwit sons.

If it requires a brave man to admit that he is merely mistaken, then a man surely admits that both his sons are twice as dim-witted as brave men. They convinced me to squander my entire immense luck on the purchase of unclaimed lands near the American border in hopes of growing our arms company in yet uninhabited western regions. How many fables they whispered in my credulous ears about canyons as far as the horizon, filled with gold ore and valiant workers... I longed to transform these virgin lands and their deep mines into the most magnificent and profitable gold-mining enterprise in the world. But when we finally arrived there, there was nothing but "fool's gold" -- my idiotic sons had bought a piece of land the size of a country, consisting entirely of sand and stone. There, in this sandy hell, the thought struck me: "Here I will die."

Since moving from my Cambridgeshire estate to that place, I have suffered from typhus, bilious fever, malaria, kidney failure, cerebellar meningitis, and even womb rabies (0_o). During our sailing to the New World, I came down with the white plague, marasmus, sweating sickness, eyelid tumors, pleuritis, and scarlet rash; after arriving in the New World, on the drive westward, I suffered from brain itching, stomatitis, and poisoning; while our new house was being built, I was tormented by epilepsy, flatfoot, shingles, gall in the spine, and skull bloat. This will is being written by me in a semi-paralyzed state. Since there is no paper in this god-forsaken place, I write this on my flaking skin due to the infection.

To the uneducated herd inhabiting these lands, I leave this curse -- as weapons have caused my downfall, so let it become the instrument of downfall for anyone who attempts to use it near my restless soul. Anyone who opens fire near my bones, I shall haunt in nightmares the likes of which they could never imagine.

To my dear maidservant Elizabeth, I bequeath what remains of my estate, including documents, accounts, and debts, both public and private, as well as my tobacco plantation -- a reminder of the former success that my brainless sons squandered. Find the gold that I could not! Perhaps that can wash away the shame from my memory!

To my loyal aide and tracker, Barmabas Hale from the savage Australians, I transfer absolute power over the "Mann and Sons" arms company. You grew the poppy flowers, which so helped me cope with my torments. It was nice to fall asleep under my own moans.

To my layabout sons, suffering from brain deficiencies, Blutarch and Redmond, I bequeath the greatest curse of all -- partnership. The lands I bought in this New World will be divided equally between you both. You have wasted your strengths and time in pointless quarrels with each other, and so, you dimwits must now reconcile to feed yourselves.

Finally, [buried in sand], I bequeath my entirely [buried in sand] and beg to keep this a secret.

God and His angels will have to drag me to heaven by my feet. I do not want to die! To hell with you all!

Zephaniah Mann

/An hour after the translation/

Substantial, isn’t it? So, what we know is that there was a weapons company owner, and he had two sons -- BLUtarch and REDmond, who constantly quarrelled, which directly hints at the origins of the in-game factions. His sons tricked him into buying land in America (our magnate from England), promising mountains of gold. Catching an unreal number of diseases on the way, our sufferer arrived at the place and fell into despair -- there was nothing there, which sparked a lifelong hatred towards his offspring. And he left them the same !@#$%^ land hoping that his idiots would finally reconcile and work together. But as we already know, the endeavor failed, and our heroes morons hired 9 mercenaries of various orientations to mess with each other.

The second link is family portrait,

where we see the aforementioned Australian thuggish Barmabas Hale (apparently an ancestor of the famous Saxton Hale, who apparently inherited that very company mentioned in the will and now delights us with new weapons in updates :-) ), a dog (a reference to the corresponding fake update?), the "blue" and "red" brothers, the most tormented Mr. Mann in an event cauldron, a mysterious figure on the right, which is probably referenced in the sand-buried part of the will, and... /ohmygoshwhothatis/ the uncanny resemblance to Announcer!

It turns out that our unbiased judge is a descendant of maidservant Elizabeth, the father of the creators of RED and BLU! The mystery of the identity has been uncovered, let us rejoice!

But! Who is this mysterious figure on the right, and what did our wealthy man bequeath to him/her? How did the Announcer gain such power? Will the dog update come out? As you can see, a plot is brewing on the level of Latin American soap operas. I don’t know about you, but I’m off to get popcorn and eagerly await the second series...

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